I have told you alot about what is going on in my life. And you know more about it than anyone else. You also have your own problems to deal with, and I respect that. But I think you don’t understand completely what is going on inside my head. You say I am not crazy, and t feels like you slap me in the face saying my problems aren’t real. People say that as soon as you think you are crazy you aren’t crazy. So you say that I am not crazy because I am aware of how my mind works. But let me take you on a tour of my brain, and let me show you how it works;
Every day I wake up and go to school. I feel like any other person, and I believe that everyone around me goes trough the same struggles. I get a few mood swings here and there, and I know it is normal. I feel this numbness in my head, like nothing is quite right, and that is just normal. I come home and do some homework, the overload of homework makes my head spin around and around, I can’t take it, I can’t concentrate, so I go on to watch a meaningless movie, but that is still normal. I look at the scissor on my desk, and the read marks on my arm, but this is just something every teenager goes trough. I look at a book, it lies in 500 pieces on my floor, I ripped it apart in anger, but that is something all people do.
You see? I find this normal, nothing strange about me at all. I am just a normal teenager going trough mood swings.
I look inside my notebook, the one I write poems in. I get so confused, I didn’t write that; or did I? That poem right there, about loosing control, that is just fiction right? I can’t see it. But I understand it. I know that those twisted sentences were written by me. And that is what makes me feel crazy, the words I create. They come from my head, from my life! I feel so normal. But that person in my notebook, I would call a psychologist for her immediately!
I battle the demons in my head every single day. Your demons are real people, people you can get away from for a while. My demons are my own mind, and there is no way I can get away from them, not for a single second. I am not saying my problems are worse than yours, I am saying just because my problems are in my own mind, doesn’t make them any less real. The demons terrify me, and they affect every part of my life. I don’t know when, or if I ever will be free of the demons, but please know that just because I know see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there. I feel normal, but the second I read what I write I am terrified of myself.
I hope you understand this better now. Or do you want me to describe it clearer?
Love; Your insane friend.